Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby