Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
True
I can also cook 😂
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
me irl
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!