Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh