What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Cashiers are always checking me out
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?