Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
This guy gets it.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT