Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I didn’t come here to be called names
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective