birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.