Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I put the mess in domestic.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Where is your GOD now????
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats