Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
You Might Also Like
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.