I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?