This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.