I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
bugs when you lift up a rock
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…