My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I know karate and tons of other words.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?