Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*