[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
#polloftheday
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…