Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Good advice.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple