My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.