Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.