boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Spell check is for lasers.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.