The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
This is a whole mood;
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!