Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.