When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
You Might Also Like
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom