I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Not all heroes wear capes….
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Otters see a butterfly.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!