In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
This kid will have a bright future.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.