Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.