drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
she has a point
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try