When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Breaking news:
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”