My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Ha
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Just ordered me some pizza!
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.