6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name