Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter