Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?