It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama