Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star