I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Sooo many times…..
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My dress code is business-casualty.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works