Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake