there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You Might Also Like
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Lassie, get help!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward