Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.