Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Somebody call the cops.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.