So true for me
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Morning.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.