Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
What flavor cupcake are these
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.