My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.