Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
You Might Also Like
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.