I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
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