Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Still laughing at this stupid meme
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.