Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”