I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Feels
(Electricians.)