Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.