I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.