[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do