My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg